'I Can't Change Who They Are, & They Can't & Won't Change Me'

By Waiching

So many times, we expect or even 'demand', if that is the ideal word, people to change their (negative) ways and behaviours to make us feel good when these same people do not want to ever change and of whom have no intention in doing so. It might be in their nature for him/her to be the way they are, because when we say or do something, they might say something off-hand, act like a jerk or not give a s**t. 

Maybe it would be a lot easier if we didn't have to deal or contend with them by not crossing paths, that we are better off without them. But with work especially and working for the same organisation, store, we cross paths and with that, more often than not we would come in contact with one another.

Quite often we tend to make judgements about others and insisting that someone needs to change - ''it's not me, it's them'' excuse, and ''it's not you, it's me'', in reference to how they behave around and towards you: unless you have suffered or experienced bad things that happened to you or been through a difficult childhood, then one can't really understand their point of view and resonate with that. We never crossed paths before in a previous life, we are not in any position to judge people based on whichever past experiences they have encountered that might result in the way they behave and act towards you. I treat everyone as equals, - but the very minute they become toxic, that's when I step away or even stay away from them.

There have been instances in the past whereby I have known and come across at least one person, who has tried to bring me down, zapped and drained my energy and inflicted their negative behaviours onto me. I should have stepped back and stopped accommodating to their needs, wishes and to stop pleasing people just so they can earn my respect. As a result, I paid a heavy price: I was young and so, I didn't handle it well; and plus it was one that hurt my own emotional stability, as well as confidence and made me feel worthless. But then, in my late '30s, would you presume, by having certain expectations of someone and trying to impose them onto her/himself - because I couldn't stand their erratic and odd behaviours -, is quite frankly a waste of time and energy because a) they aren't going to change and b) who is to say I must force them to change to make me feel better? That is like saying I want to boast about it when I don't want to. Because the reality is, they won't -, and they never will. 

I suddenly realised that growth, personal development and change happens within from myself and because of me and by me, and if they are willing to be better individuals, they have to improve upon themselves and to dig even deeper. My happiness, your happiness, your own destiny is dependent on myself, yourself - not them. It's not them who are in charge of your life and of whom decide your fate. Just be yourself, and if anyone has a problem with it, or tries to change you, then don't let them. We are all not perfect, we have our imperfections, weaknesses, faults. You live with them, you work with them. As much as they can be stubborn, difficult, notorious, act in ways that catch you off-guard, their faults are glaring, so glaring in fact you can see right through them and pinpoint them over time. 

However, once you accept others for who they are (no matter how much their faults & flaws are noticeable by yourself) and you continue doing your own thing, even if it might annoy people, then not only are you much better off, you'll also be a whole lot happier, positive, strong and freer because of it. They can't change who I am, they have to accept me as I am and get used to it - and the same applies to them: it's, therefore, unachievable and impossible. I can't change who they are, and it is something I have to get used to and to try to work with or around it and to avoid further problems, complications and disputes with him/her. If they say something that annoys or irks me, I shrug it off, forget about it and move on. That, or to distance myself from them. 

We may have the will to change, but it is extremely and emotionally challenging and difficult if we expect other people to change their negative ways and mindset. When we, ourselves, are in charge of our own changes and decisions, are we then able to act on it and it is easier too... it's when they or s/he impose change upon us, it is a struggle to accept and is something that we feel that they are not entitled to do because the issue is a) not with them or anybody else but with me and b) only I know myself, if not always fully well, rather than they know me well. We all each have a set of values and beliefs, and our own reactions, behaviours, actions clash when we come into conflict with that other person for whatever reason, thus disrupting our own peace and harmony.  

Accepting people for who they are, takes an enormous amount of energy, strain and it can be a frustrating process but it also involves patience, understanding and by being mindful, wary of and getting used to their personality and character traits. We spend and may I add waste precious time getting frustrated, angry, upset by other people's thoughts, comments and behaviours that, as a result, we end up hurting ourselves emotionally (& believe me when I say this that due to this, my feelings and emotions got out of hand and spiralled out of control. It has happened so many times). Yet, in this instance, change with him/her is evitable. 

Just be you, be conscious and be happy and at peace with yourself.