'Trying To Understand Someone, Who Won't Get Me Or You, Takes Patience, Effort & An Enormous Amount Of Empathy'

By Waiching

Being understood and to know we are being listened to is one of the things we desire and appreciate.

We don't just want the other person to get where we are coming from, even if they don't necessarily agree with us, 110% on what we say/do, but for them to recognise our thoughts, feelings, to feel our emotions and in understanding we feel the way we do, deep down. I think this is something that we ultimately want.... and that is to feel validated, for him/her to 'get us'. 

At times, it seems we are misunderstood by people that everything we say or what comes out of our mouths can be interpreted differently, or wrongly. As humans, we are social creatures, and we all desire to be loved and understood. But when we don't feel understood, it is then that it hurts us. It hurts a great deal, personally and emotionally.

Being empathetic is a way to understand people's emotions and we are hardwired to distinguish what these emotions are, as is by clarifying and spelling out your thoughts and feelings so there is some level of understanding from both parties. We must listen properly and intuitively to get to the heart of what s/he is really feeling through the words they utter, as opposed to just listening to what they are saying and by reacting. As they talk or speak, I or we must try to understand him/her and where they are coming from, and less focus on what my response will be.

''I understand that you cannot understand me and that I cannot always understand you, but I will continue to try and if you cannot with me, then that is okay''. 

People's past and present experiences differ; each of us is our own person of whom possess a set of different attributes, skills, traits, needs, expectations.

I seek to understand people clearly - not to change them, nor for them to change me, but by finding out and knowing what their intentions are. It would be fascinating to have the ability to read people's thoughts and minds and to know what they are actually thinking, and truly feeling deep down, hence, stepping into their shoes and trying to see things from their perspective. Based on my social interactions with them I need to be able to know where I stand with them, how to handle him/her and be approachable, but also to be respectful to them. We depend on external and meaningful relationships and interpersonal contact to fulfil and covet our existence amongst others. Yet in most cases during work and with love, these relationships break down due to miscommunication and misunderstandings that lead to conflict, arguments and unnecessary fallouts.  

There were and are times whereby they might assume the worst of me; belittling me through the words that came out of their mouths that filled me with sheer dread, because they were being an idiot and as if they didn't warrant respect and in my mind, they were being inconsiderate. That I didn't matter and wasn't of any value. & I was like, ''please, don't say any more. Enough''. It was, at times, frustrating, painful and hurtful when someone seemed more inclined to contradict what I was saying, or when I was just being polite, they'd, in turn, come up with an off-the-cuff, condescending or unflattering remark that would irk me.

But this also leads us back to accepting and appreciating people for who they are and in spite and despite of their differences, their human flaws and peeves, we ought to give them a piece of our heart, rather than a piece of our mind, which we need to put aside. Instead of being irate and angry with these people when they are being unreasonable or difficult to ignore their behaviours, but also to be compassionate, reasonable and non-judgemental. I have to continuously learn to understand myself so that I can pass on my understanding to him/her and to further develop my self-esteem. I must be and continuously remain mindful, understanding, kind-hearted, sympathetic, tolerant and demonstrate empathy. It's challenging to a degree, yet I see the good in people -, or be it I try to see the good in others through their strengths and positive attributes. By appreciating each others' differences that make us individually whole and unique (and that includes not trying to change him/her), is the first step to building positive people relationships and understanding one another.    

We may not be friends and I'm also not talking about being friends in general, but by showing and demonstrating respect, restraint and appreciating and acknowledging our differences and the challenges we face, in understanding people, regardless of how difficult, challenging or problematic they might come across to us, enables us to respect one another and to feel, resonate and sense the range of emotions that they experience & understanding & connecting with them on their level. That behind every (negative) decision, action, reaction of theirs lies a positive/negative drive, motivation or reason that galvanises him/her to say or do the things which are bad or wrong.  

Seeing and accepting others for who they are can be virtually difficult for some people it's akin to pulling teeth, but through our own hearts, rather than our minds and trying to be a) positive around them, b) positive alongside them and c) thinking positively about them, we avoid making it a personal issue about us and an attack on us and in getting upset, angry or breaking down and allowing our emotions to get the better of us. 

Understanding, and not judging, making assumptions and writing people off immediately (unless they are completely toxic) but instead, make them feel that they are being heard & understood takes considerable time, patience, but also it gives us a peace of mind and a greater sense of freedom, well-being, appreciation and happiness that each of us deserves in our lives.