By Waiching
I, and many others, would never have imagined that 2020 will draw to a close and as we see out the last remaining days of the year: a year, which economically, socially has been a monumental catastrophe and where the world came to a crashing halt by say April, May and has never fully recovered long after that.
As I saw my chances of travelling to America and Spain dwindle minute by minute and eventually diminish due to the strain of Coronavirus, which got worse, I said to myself, ''that's it, forget about the rest of 2020 and look forward to 2021''. I didn't blog as regularly and frequently: being an essential worker and losing my appetite to blog, as well as watching films, took its toll, and of which as the year wore on, there was a lack of inactivity on this blog. I did, however, discover reggaeton music and have developed a fondness for it.
2020 will be remembered for many things, but it will also embody the worst aspects of the year; a lost year for some, and a lost year for myself and one that I saw was an opportunity to make up for 2019 and one that overrode everything else that was either sidelined or postponed for next year. The pandemic has laid bare and exposed some of the widening inequalities in society: systemic racism and xenophobia (through the Wuhan origin of Coronavirus), class divisions, poverty and hardship, debates between mental and physical health, divisions between pro-vaccine supporters and anti-vaxxers, Covid deniers and Covid dismissives, rich versus poor, extreme panic and fear, of certain countries & governments ill-equipped in handling a major natural disaster, whilst the U.S presidential elections have been a hostile and contentious affair.
One might have thought that the pandemic would bring and unite people together, but it just hasn't quite done that. It has thus shown that this is more than just a biological and physical health issue, more than just human lives at stake but where its profound impact has transcended beyond physical health and more towards the sociologically, physiologically, psychologically, emotionally and personal aspects as well.
The mask-wearing, which would be alien in the Western world under normal circumstances, became an emblem of sorts as it took on a different meaning, as well as an identity of its own and a different type of identity which evoked safety and health, but it also drummed up certain wariness, uncertainty into the unknown; whilst seeing everyone wear masks was almost like a way of conforming, it also brought about unfamiliarity and at times, suspicion.
It was a year that as the months wore on, the world, society, and many of its governments who have handled the pandemic badly especially, gave up on 2020, gave up on its people... and gave up on themselves: where time at first came to a standstill, with everything closed off and seemed to collapse. Until that a small flicker of hope descended on the doldrums with the announcement of several vaccines: a solution that divided people throughout, but for me personally, I saw it as the only realistic and feasible chance of ending the covid pandemic, & for good.
We had to adapt to this new reality, adapt to the new norm of doing things, not being allowed to see and visit our families and loved ones, abandoning our traditional and daily methods and routines of doing things we were so used to doing, and to work within and around our confines and the limitations it has brought about. As well as socially distancing from other people, washing our hands and wearing facemasks.
I missed the handshakes, the hugs, the physical contact, the human touch without the fear, worry or concern that I'd be infecting the other person with Coronavirus. And that also brought about the immense challenge of caring for and looking after my mental and emotional health and well-being. Under government and health advice & guidance, we had to make so many sacrifices on so many levels for the sake of preserving our physical health, and with that came the consequences: economic downfall, high poverty levels, high unemployment and loss of jobs, suicide levels spiking, the impact on our mental health. I was and am very unfortunate to be still holding down a job when either I could have a) possibly been made redundant or furloughed, b) my contract was terminated with effect and I was unemployed. Had any of those things happened to me, I would have been devastated and plus, my mental health would have worsened.
2019 and 2020 seemed to be two contrasting & polarising years from a personal point of view on opposite ends of the spectrum: 2019 was the year when we had no Coronavirus, it was the year before Covid came along and ravaged our lives, but it was a horrible one for me on so many levels. At work I wasn't entirely happy, I got into arguments and fallouts with people, my job was on the line and with that, I was disciplined several times for stupid crap that I became embroiled in and saw people leaving and quitting my department, every 2 or 3 months. Yet Costco, where I worked and still work to this day, was busy. The food court, which is my department, was usually packed with members on the weekend. but in 2020 it was a different story: the food court tables were removed, the exodus of workers continued until Sept, and the Covid situation worsened as months went on. The lowest I felt this year was in May and in some cases, November. Still, I manage to steer clear and out of trouble and not allow my emotions & my reactions to situations to detract from my duties and ignore people who try to set off my emotions and provoke me.
Even before the Coronavirus came along, I said to myself I didn't want to endure any of the misery, argument, and in-fighting that occurred last year: that if I focus on doing my work and not let people whom I can't control and of whom I don't have control over and to not allow (external) situations and circumstances that are out of my control consume me and to wrestle with my emotions, I'll be fine - & guess what? I did just that, and I feel a whole lot better because of it. Why? Because the issue is with him/her and that it is their problem, getting sucked into their behaviours and mind games are going to make things worse. But for one, or two instances where I messed up, I managed to stay on the straight and narrow. I had to de-clutter the things, and people that did me no good and made me the person I didn't want to be that I became last year. I had to decide and figure out that by limiting my time & exposure to certain people who test my levels of patience, of whom test my resolve, I was doing myself a massive favour. By focusing on myself and improving on myself, my self-care without caring about what people who try to drag me down to their level do & say to me, gives me more confidence to not only not give a damn but focus on being a better version of myself, for myself and by myself.
I excel when I focus on the work and do the work and do not pay too much attention towards making friends, trying to fit in at work and trying to fix people, who won't fix themselves, or who won't change no matter what. I had to either think of a response that suited the other party, - or stay silent, ignore them and walk away and not deal with their negativity and extremely pessimistic personalities, I didn't get (too) overwrought by their erratic behaviours: that the difference between this year and last. As much as the mask-wearing has its limitations (such as hiding emotions of happiness, sadness, frustration, annoyance, and fear) and provides various challenges from a communication point of view by limiting it, in terms of stifling communication and inciting non-communication and need to not feel compelled to deal or speak to someone, who is either difficult or toxic, wearing the mask (but not in the sense of presenting/projecting a false image of yourself) can act as a relief mechanism, as much as a barrier for myself in this case. When life around me can feel a little weary or I am exposed to potentially difficult individuals, having my mask on is a way of diffusing the problem, & gaining a measure of self-control.
The one lesson I have taken from and learned from the problems of last year and of which I have persisted with throughout the Coronavirus pandemic of 2020, is no matter what happens on the outside, no matter what people say or do to you, one must stand firm and rather than react badly or negatively to counter it by performing proactively and to do positive things; it might go down in history and for many as the worst & most tumultuous year in recent times and in history, but for me, how I see each year personally is reflective of what I have been through myself and of my experiences first-hand. No matter what happens outside in the world, my life is separate from that. We have seen that this virus doesn't care about what colour skin you have, what your ethnicity, nationality is or how old you are. The world at this very moment might be messed up with Covid and the world's economies shrinking, & when you experience something like a pandemic hitting you right in the face, it's about stepping up and to continue pushing onwards and upwards and demonstrating strength and resilience during times when the world is on fire and out of control, rather than throwing in the towel; & so does that mean, however, that I have to feel depressive, miserable and drag myself down, allowing all this to affect me negatively and expose myself to people who can do harm or damage to my mental and emotional wellbeing? The answer to that is no, absolutely not...
2020 has been a year of conflicted emotions, but I am grateful that as much as the journey has been a struggle and challenging at times that has played havoc on my mental health, I and many others still made it through to the very end. As the end of 2020 draws near and I reflect on the lessons, it has deepened my appreciation for travel and longing to see the world when it is safe to do so; it has made me more appreciative of my family and the importance of good family values and it has made me taken greater pride in my work and the role that I have played as a key worker and to this day I am still working and the only surviving member of the food court team of 2018. Despite Covid, 2020 has been far from being the worst year and my unhappiest in recent times, rather it has been challenging in ways that I saw fit and challenges that I never shy away from but to confront and tackle, head-on. As key workers, we had to keep pressing on with purpose, and persistence and not let the Coronavirus phase us, despite the health threat posed to us by it. In the midst of all of this despair, there were the healthcare workers, doctors and nurses who represented courage, sacrifice and hope, who endured the worst the pandemic had to offer & worked exceedingly hard to save lives.
We all had to be resilient in the face of this invisible virus and in helping preserve our physical health, as well as the social and racial inequality and injustices 2020 has provided us with opportunities to seek solutions, but to also look deep within ourselves; not just growth, learning about ourselves and of others but for each and every one of us to consider and determine what we regard as the most and least important things that truly matter and refocusing on the things and the people of whom mean so much to us that are irreplaceable and indispensable in our lives.
I am not going to sugarcoat by saying this was and is one of my favourite years as it wasn't-, and looking back in 10, 20 years, it will never be, & whilst it wasn't and hasn't been quite my comeback year I'd wanted it to be, given a bumpy 2019 that I had, 2020, despite its lows and how much of it sucked & it has been a year like no other in recent history, has been a real eye-opener and one which given I am grateful for; not grateful for Covid itself, but grateful that I learnt I didn't have to feel and choose to feel as crappy and low, rather I am grateful that I stayed on the straight and narrow and done my work to the best of my ability. 2020 was a turning point; not just in terms of Covid and its devastation & that I had to work under unexpected circumstances. I knew and realised I could not revert back to my old self in 2019, or be it the negative aspects, that when I reflect back on them, they just make me wince.
For once and for a change, much of 2020's woes were not down to me and as a result of my misbehaviours and losing control, but a result of external forces and circumstances that were out of my control in Coronavirus. If I was given the choice to trade in 2019 for 2020 for my least favourite year, I'd say no; contrary to the previous year, I didn't let the problems and situations & crisis control me and alas, I didn't lose control of the situations, and that I didn't let the fear, worry, toxicity unnerve me and throw me off, completely.
Here's hoping that with the vaccines looming, whilst it is not the solution, it is one part of it; alas, I anticipate that 2021 will be a much happier and prosperous one for myself and everyone.
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