Repeat: I Am NOT Responsible For Other People's Happiness, But My Own

''You know that I love you, ''You know that I love you, you're my air that I breathe you, so don't try and change me, so don't try and change me, why would you change me, why would you change me (baby I will let you go)'' - Change Me by Keri Hilson feat. Akon 

By Waiching

Guilt is a feeling that we express and experience when we either did something wrong, done something we shouldn't have or we failed to do something that we should have done as if we have failed them. As human beings, being social creatures that thrive on interaction, we want to be heard, to be listened to and that our needs are met. When we feel responsible for another person's wellbeing, health or happiness, when we attempt to change somebody feeling the way they are feeling (and being unsuccessful in our attempts). When we feel guilty for the events that occur in other people's lives when things turn sour or by not meeting their standards, expectations, conditions, needs, we are, in turn, trying to control them, and this, especially, makes us feel bad and this becomes a huge source of anxiety and in sucking the joy out of us. 

I learned that the only person that I can count on, is myself; that I cannot change the way someone feels, only I can control what I feel, think, say, and I have control as to whether or not I want to give any more of my attention, whether or not I want to be in their presence, and to what capacity also. 

I have struggled for a long time, and it wasn't until this week that I had noticed that it hit me hard, when they mentioned this to me. I believed and thought that how people felt towards me was my responsibility; that if I said something or didn't do something, I felt bad about it. That when they were talking behind my back, I was incensed. That I needed to try harder to please to feel that 'I' matter to them and that was and are of worth...when really, the only person I ought to prove and show my worth to, is myself. My initial reaction was one of anger, resentment, sadness; that I was being ignored, but also I felt my boundaries were violated as their negative energy stoked up my anger, my sadness. One person called me, 'delusional', - which at first I was shocked by, but I saw to it that I was constantly blindsided by something that, in their eyes and ears, was a figment of my imagination... that it was all in my head.

I need to continue to be compassionate, but also knowing when to draw the line and to back away when it becomes too much for me to handle - sometimes, s/he chooses to not make changes, not to change for themselves by choice by themselves (then again, if this is a decision they want to live with, that is their choice... although personally speaking, in doing so, I would say their underlying issues will never be resolved) - and that decision, fate doesn't rest in my hands but theirs. I must say 'no', I must STOP taking on their pain, suffering, their negative energy and say to myself, 'you cannot and will not do this to me', because otherwise, what I am doing to myself is a form of conditional behaviour, well, be it abusive conditional behaviour that is unhealthy, exasperating and resentful, and will doom me in the long run, - should I allow myself to feel this particular way. 

It is a positive character trait to be caring for others and to be compassionate and friendly, and it presents more of a challenge when that person doesn't want to change and has no intention of changing for the better by themselves ...but it can also turn into something that is and can be undesirable, as well as being emotionally unhealthy and detrimental for the other person who tries to 'swoop in' & attempt to rescue him/her, yet of whom they do not want to be rescued. By feeling responsible for other people's feelings, by feeding on or taking onboard their negativity - be it anger, sadness, bitterness, their erratic - or to put it in milder terms - eccentric behaviour & infrequent outbursts or ill-equipped remarks, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right, nor determine our own happiness, but rather we make decisions or do things to please others, to make them happy that suit him/her. 

People are born differently: our circumstances differ and arise, our behaviours, mannerisms, the way we come across to others, our personalities, moods, are and can be conflicting, and at times, these factors are a result of our upbringing, past experiences which shape our outlook, how we perceive certain people; some choose to judge others, other people, however, like myself, I try to see the good in others, despite their flaws and believe that they have enough good traits to outweigh the bad ones. If one has experienced similar events, situations during a past life, then s/he can understand being on the other side and relating to and absorbing their feelings, whilst seeing to it the issue is with them - not you. 

You and I are responsible for our emotions; I choose how I feel, how I respond and to choose the right response that corresponds to that particular situation that I cannot change in its aftermath for myself, not the other person, not anyone else. What I can do, however, is either a) support him/her in her journey, b) choose a response that best suits their way of thinking or personality. Knowing I did nothing wrong if I didn't make or can't make someone happy, I can only act for myself, focus on myself and my needs that come first, and I must learn to separate my emotions from theirs. If and when it gets too much, I keep a distance and refrain from communicating with him/her and place boundaries by setting limits. 

Happiness comes from within myself, being content with myself and how life is going for me and being grateful for the things I have - not in other people, or feel as if we are responsible for them or that we owe them anything, - because we don't owe them a thing. 

Nobody can tell me how to live my life, your life and anybody else's life... so why should they ultimately affect my and your state of mind and emotional well-being and consciousness? Just remember, nobody can make you inferior without your consent. You can't change people, I can't change who they are and put a stop to their negative behaviours... and yet I do have control, the power and the choice as to whether or not I wish to engage with that person/s and to decide if they deserve my attention for the sake of my happiness. 

I am, therefore, the #1 priority, I make myself the #1 priority; that I am responsible for me, not him, not her, not them, not that other person. & let nobody else tell you otherwise...