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Monday, 24 October 2016

Retro Review: Nukie (1987) #badmovies

Genre: Science Fiction 
Worldwide Box Office Gross: $???

Plot: An alien called Nukie searches for his brother, Miko who has been captured by the U.S government

'And There I Thought I've Seen Just About Everything....'

Though South Africa isn't widely renowned in the movie making world, it has churned out delights such as 2005's Tsotsi, and yet also this trifling and lame sci-fi effort titled Nukie.   

Usually, I don't go by IMDb star ratings, but when I saw this movie received an aggregate score of 1.5 out of 10, I had to really see this for myself how utterly awful this film is. Nukie is a movie that needs to be seen to be believed at how wretched and bad it truly is. 

And it sure is hideous. If E.T is the king of aliens, then Nukie is its even sadder equivalent. Nukie looks like a hideous fusion of Yoda from Star Wars, & Gollum from Lord of the Rings. To see it come to life scared the crap out of me actually. Honestly, if you think these creatures are the cutest looking things, then you've not have heard of or seen the TV show, Pokemon. Pokemon are cartoony, cute-looking animal creatures - Nukie isn't. 

This film - basically to save you the pain and misery in sitting through it - is a South African rip-off version of E.T, with a character such as Nukie lacking all the charm, likeability and wonder of the Steven Spielberg character. Nukie crashes down on Earth - or be more specifically in South Africa, you have 2 kids befriending Nukie, and they help him find Miko, his other alien friend. 

I would not recommend this movie to very young children, even if it is aimed at them, due to the bizarre and disturbing looking parts. Nor to bad movie fans: there are very little - and when I say little, there are really, really little redeemable qualities about it. With a runtime of 1 hour, 40 mins, one is not in for a treat but for something that is a monstrosity. I stopped watching after 40 excruciating mins. The rest of the script is mundane, boring and the rest of the performances weren't impressive. The acting is non-existent, flat and unconvincing and the voice-overs for the other animals range from okay to irritating. And for a kids movie, oddly enough there are intense moments that showcase the trauma of life. Why subject your kids through that? Still, speaking of trauma, Nukie would have been more traumatic, had not been so utterly and unquestionably rubbish.

I've sat through so many of the so-called bad movies, but undoubtedly this one tops the lot and is therefore much, much worse than the films that I've enjoyed that critics hated. But for once, the critics and IMDb star rating are truly and dearly reflective of how awful Nukie is. Is this supposed to be an observation of life on earth by other life forms? Because if so, this is an awful film that does that. The most annoying moment of this film is when Nookie's name is mentioned several times. It's so annoying, hearing that voice go 'Nukie, Nukie' on a loop will drive you mad and make your ears bleed. 

Clearly, there are no other words to truly describe the experience in watching this so-called film. It is one of those movies that shouldn't exist, and yet somehow, it still does because the filmmakers have clearly forgotten how to make a good movie. You watch one scene after another, only to realise every scene and action takes place without merit. 

And yet clearly, it is an abomination. 

Shockingly, the late South African President Nelson Mandela listed this movie as one of his favourite films of 1988. And on that note, I will say no more.... other than I will leave you with a few screenshots below, if you need more convincing as to why Nukie is a pile of poopie. 

Final Verdict:

Nukie is a film so bad it deserves to be nuked. It doesn't even deserve 0 out of 10, but as that mark exists on my reviews score blog, that is what it'll get. But really, it gets a score of -20. 

This movie fails on every single level: terrible and non-existent acting, terrible film right from the go, annoying voice-overs and a character that would be the stuff of nightmares, rather than dreams are made of. It was painful. 

The only enjoyment I got out of this film was when not even halfway through it, I stopped watching the rest of it. By then, I felt the life was sucked right out of me. That pretty much tells you all you need to know why Nukie is rightly lauded as one of the worst movies, ever. 


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