We Must Let Go By Not Reacting To Difficult & Toxic People Emotionally

By Waiching 

Negative and difficult people tend to gravitate towards others: those who are a) compassionate or offer compassion & are patient or b) those who get mildly, highly or extremely offended, angry and upset. I suspect this gives them something to react to & to give you the runaround, whenever they are being a pain in the ass. 

It's also about putting myself in their shoes and trying to see things from their perspective; in doing so, I separate myself from everyone else who sees this person in a bad light. 

When we talk about difficult people, we mean individuals with certain personality traits and emotional characteristics that make it difficult, if not/and perhaps impossible, for us to communicate effectively with them. Likewise, with toxic people, according to Jodie Gale, MA, a psychotherapist and life coach in Australia, these are individuals who are abusive, unsupportive, unhealthy emotionally or of whom s/he has deep emotional and perhaps psychological wounds and do not take responsibility for their feelings, wounds, their issues. I've come across a few of these types before and in my life.

We must let people of this nature go and not give into them: if they are being a negative strain and continue bringing you down, let them go. Let them do their own thing, whilst you concentrate on doing your own thing: not for them, but for yourself. Stress comes from not the words and actions of that individual, but it is fuelled by our mind that conjures up our potential or likely reactions to them. 

Being nice goes a long way and in doing so, you are setting an example, ''Always set an example. Treat everyone with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you - not because they are nice, but because you are. & do your best to be thankful for rude and difficult people, too - they serve as great reminders of how not to be''. Be nice to yourself and thus showing why you are (thankfully) not like them. 

And just because I am kind to them doesn't mean I have to accept, give into or choose to expose myself to their negative behaviours for prolonged periods. By disengaging with them or limiting your interactions to work by keeping it work-related only, one can prevent yourself from getting trapped in a negative cycle that can affect your emotions.  

I will not stoop to their level and I won't be playing mind games with him/her: if I distance myself from them, it is not because I want to hurt the other person, but I do it for my own protection and emotional well-being by safeguarding my emotional health. Not out of vengeance, not out of spite & not out of hatred. They want to start being crabby or dismissive towards me when I am being nice? That's their move, their decision, their choice. If they choose to be condescending and negative towards me, then it probably says a great deal about them as a person, and less so about me. Although in the other sense, it can be argued that they are making it about me or you, because quite frankly, who else are they directing their response to? You, or I, and would they react, respond, act differently to someone else? The answer is probably. 

Look, nobody is perfect; nobody is completely goody-two-shoes (me included), we all have our negative traits, as well as positive ones. We are all flawed in certain ways and learning to accept that certain people are the way they are, and we can't change them for us and for our benefit. Yet I have the power, the complete control over what my emotional response will be to their actions, comments, remarks, behaviours as such, and it is up to me - not him, not her, NO ONE, to decide whether I want them in my life, whether or not to me they deserve 110% of my fullest attention and whether I ought to engage with them, as well as if they are deserving of my compassion, which s/he lacks themselves. The onus is not on them as they want or expect attention - it's up to us whether we ought to give it to them, if possible choosing the ideal emotional response to match their quirks and characteristics, & in doing so they feed off it.

As individuals, based on our personal and human social interactions with them, we get a sense or idea of who someone is, or the type of person they are by watching & observing how they treat others and how they treat me or you. 

People have the opportunity to change and whilst difficult and toxic people can change for the greater good, the truth of the matter is in reality, that is so not the case because they choose not to because that is the type of character they are. And although change comes from within him/herself, you can't tell them to do that and if even if you do, they don't want to and will not change and to get rid of their bad habits or negative behaviours. There is a saying, 'if it ain't broken, don't fix it'; well there should be another saying, which is 'if s/he is broken, let them - not you - fix it, fix themselves'. If they won't, they won't. 

If after being around this person for a lengthy amount of time, at work or in your personal life, there will be signs flashing around in your and my head that tell you it is time to let them go for good & for you to leave them alone. With that, it comes to the realisation of me being strong and resilient, understanding enough to accept him/her for who they are, despite their flaws and issues. 

It's okay to walk away and to surrender the need to control the situation, to surrender the need to make a point for them to understand, to leave them in peace and for them to do their own thing, and thus it is also okay for them to leave me alone in peace as well and to allow me to get on with doing what I need to be doing. I have to focus on me and turn my attentions to the healthy relationships that bring joy, happiness, contentment in my life, rather than ones that evidently lead me to nowhere, or be it misery. When I am forced to interact and communicate with the difficult person/s, at work I try to remain professional, keep the lines of communication civil, neutral as possible and brief and that the conversation is strictly work-related. Because, let's cut to the chase, that is all they want from us and they don't have time for general conversations or light-hearted banter or fun to cut through the serious nature of work. Unless they want us to catch them on their good side. 

You shouldn't give in to them by caving in, (alas, there is a saying, "it goes in one ear and out of the other", meaning you should forget about what they said).

You don't owe them anything else, be it an explanation, but your compassion - and if they feel that's not good enough or they don't care, ignore them, move on. Nowadays whenever you and I feel the urge to get worked up whenever they choose to p*** me or you off, I have learnt to stay silent and not respond or react and say a word. They don't and will never define me and who I am. By reacting to him/her, you are giving them want they want/expect and they have provoked a reaction out of you, which is something you don't want. 

There is immense relief knowing when you focus on yourself and not giving away your attention and worth to difficult and toxic individuals as we stop denying him/her in being the person we want them to be & by walking away from something that cannot be fixed, realising that this is for the best. 

Relationships, be it personal or work, coexist based on the dynamics and binaries between two different people, and at times, these come into conflict with one another and can lead to differences of opinion & disagreements and fallouts. Yet no matter what, it is still crucial to see the best in people by not making it personal on a negative scale. Well, with most people, and when you and I focus on that, and less so on the worst aspects of their character, it can ease the tensions & make you feel far less pessimistic and critical about that person. 

Sometimes, it is best to let go, to accept certain things as they stand, that in life it is best to let people be who they are and the person/s that they are, - particularly as and so long as they don't change me & I don't allow them to hurt me or my emotions. 

That sometimes, it is necessary to not always having to turn to that one certain person when you don't feel particularly comfortable around him/her. Or that when someone is being rude or condescending for the sake of it, that I take no notice or I'm like, ''whatever you say'', ''okay'' or ''that's fine''. When you do that, when I do that, I see to it that in letting go, rather seeing it as a negative, I see it as a blessing and a huge weight that is lifted off my shoulders. That they will never bring me down. 

Just don't seek change, don't fight for closure, don't argue with him/her in order to persuade them to agree with you, don't react out of anger, frustration and emotionally. Just pause, take a deep breath, then let. It. All. Go. 

...And move forward.