'I Have To Start To NOT Take Things So Personally'

By Waiching

Just 2 weeks ago on a Sunday, so not yesterday Sunday but the Sunday of last week, I was working when a coworker, who was also doing something as well, said, ''I don't have friends'' or something on the lines of that. I overheard what she said and said nothing, then I looked up at her. I spent hours ruminating what she said and seething in silence. The remainder of that day, I tried to avoid speaking to her and got upset. I took what she said personally, given that in the past back in high school, college, I didn't have (many) friends;  then I said, ''I realise you and me are not friends, and so you should stop calling me 'amigo' and 'compadre'''. For those who speak and understand Espanol, ''Amigo'' and ''compadre'' are Spanish words for friend, and so in my head, my mental and emotional reaction was one out of sheer anger and distress and that she was contradicting herself: that she says she doesn't have friends at work where we work - and yet I'd see her hang out with people of her own culture, and on a few occasions, she'd say 'amigo' to me. I didn't understand why she'd say that. I felt horrible afterwards and tried to apologise, but she (and understandably so) didn't want to hear any more as she left work. I ended up in tears. It was something I could have so easily avoided - had I told her in person how what she said made me feel on the inside. But I didn't; I let that incident manifest and resultingly the tears began to flow. I let my emotions overwhelm me. I felt sad, frustrated and that after a good start descended into a bad day at work.

I am what one would call as someone who can be overly sensitive when the thing/situation & even more so the people around me, wrestles and toils with my emotions and my heart.

I felt so terrible that I wanted to make amends for what happened; when I arrived home, I reassessed the situation and I replayed it again in the back of my mind. The thoughts, how I felt was too overwhelming, I felt terrible and I was so sombre, I couldn't sleep properly. The following day, I gave my colleague an apologetic letter that I'd penned. When we talked the other day or two, she said something that struck me and one I will always remind myself whenever a similar thing happens: ''it's not always about you and that I have nothing personal against you''. Yes, this line is so cliched and yes it is used to avoid any further questions, answers. 

& it's not as if she shouted or raised her voice at me when the initial problem flared up; if she did that, then, sure enough, the '' it's not you but me'' remark would reverberate in my head and it would still make sense, and I'd take that personally and I'd have every right to be upset. By stating that ''... I have nothing personal against you'', not only did I get a better understanding of where she was coming from (which was important in my eyes as I wanted to seek clarification on what she'd said), I had a newfound respect towards her that this assured me that from now onwards, it's best for me to shrug it off or pursue the matter further by asking her what she meant by what she said, rather than to overreact and jump into conclusions. That and I can't and won't let it define me, nor get me or drag me down. 

I let it all go, moved on and thus, we are still on good terms with each other.

It is often said that we take things personally when something we care deeply about or our own attributes, qualities and even our flaws and weaknesses are pinpointed and discussed in a negative light. 

By taking what people say to me at face value and to heart and jumping into conclusions, I relinquish whatever power I have left onto him/her. Heck, these same people, most of them (might) have emotional issues that they are dealing with, which can make them rude and thoughtless. It's also a way of letting them get under your skin and control and affect your emotions, it takes an unnecessary toll that I don't want to have. I tend not to care what others think about me, because whatever opinions they do have, they do not openly admit them to me and so with that, I did not and do not have to contend with it. Yet it is when they openly make their feelings clear verbally that I become emotionally affected. I don't do well with extreme negativity and I try to steer clear of it. 

For so many years, I was conditioned to believe that by buying into what other people say and being emotionally receptive to their comments, views, opinions was and is THE only way for me to change, as well as to grow as a person. But then, I realised it was and is all B.S: why? It's almost like brainwashing, but in reality, it isn't. Because change comes from self-observation and within and it is down to me to make that happen for real - not them, not my colleagues, my family, friends - No one, but for me. I can't change how they behave and who they are and I have to grow accustomed to that. And the same applies to me - they can't change me, only I can do that.

A psychologist by the name of Albert Ellis once argued that a person is not emotionally affected by what happens around them, but by their interpretation of what happened and that our interpretations are formed by our beliefs. In other words, when something happens, our reaction and how we react to it is down to our perceptions and how we decipher it and why we came to the conclusion that we did. It is also said that we internalise the events and situations that we encounter via the words, problems, the act itself and feel we are the 'cause' and to blame for how it went down in the first place.

It happens to pretty much everyone at some point, not just myself: someone says something. We think or assume it is about us and we take it negatively and so personally that our feelings get hurt. The words we choose and use really matter to us, and so when someone criticises or insults us, our immediate reaction is of ''how dare s/he says that''. Miscommunications, misinterpretations and the wrong assumptions are some of the key factors as to how and why by taking things personally our relationships with our peers, colleagues, friends, family especially (and the people we are close to) break down.

And so how do I counter all of this? 

For one, I have to constantly remind myself of the positive qualities that got me very far in life and through work today and be more compassionate and knowing I can be proud of what I have achieved, and that nothing & NOBODY can ever take that away from me. Beating myself down isn't going to do me any favours, personally, emotionally and for my own state of mind. As well as continue to be wise, remain grounded, imbued with humility, be more understanding and kind whilst staying true to myself. I have been around people, who have in the past, made me feel worthless and tried to get the better of me. Secondly, I have to grow a thicker skin and must remain immune to their behaviours, actions and comments, which (often have nothing to do with me) will make me feel worse the more I think about them. It's one thing for them to say or do something that is supposed to or it inadvertently hurts my feelings and make me sad or angry... and yet, if I don't give into them and any of my attention, that, on the flip side, adds further fuel and boast my happiness, my own security and confidence.  

Fast forward to today, I wouldn't give those same people the satisfaction, nor the benefit of the doubt - and I wouldn't waste my breath on them if they tried me to give an ounce of their attention. They were and are a part of my past, which I struggled with tremendously, both emotionally and mentally, for what like 20-25 years or so of my existence, as I was subjected to and tormented by their crap. My insecurities and self-esteem issues partly stem from those experiences, which even though they have alleviated for me slightly today, sadly haven't been completely dissipated. 

& despite this, now with me being older, I'm like 'screw you'. Be yourself and if others don't like it, then well, tough. 

But alas, I wish to seek to learn about the different personality types and by doing so, it makes me deal with people more effectively & in addition, to appreciate and understand the people I interact and surround myself with on a daily basis.

I know my own self-worth and for what it is worth, the people who lift me up are the ones, not to mention myself, of whom recognise my accomplishments. In practically over a year, so much has changed and happened since I joined and worked at Costco and plus, I have seen some advancements and improvements, both professionally in my work and personally, as a human being. The more I practice and do it, the easier it becomes and the more my confidence grows and being able to work independently, on my initiative and as part of a team.

The point is, once you give a damn and depend on other people for validation, approval and give people more power over yourself, once you lose sight of your own worth and sense of pride as a person, that is when you surrender to their negative and often toxic behaviours and judgements - and with that, they have won and you lose. 

When really, it says a whole lot about them.... and less about you. 

Therefore, Do NOT interpret what s/he says, as a reflection of your true value as a person.